Sep 242016
 

For a few months in 2016, every week or two I’m going to have the hottest wings available at a different area restaurant and give you my thoughts.

gyrouno1Gyro Uno, across from the liquor store on Madison Boulevard, has good gyros and burgers. They also advertise hot wings that check in at a claimed 2,000,000 Scoville heat units. Yes, please.

Wings are listed in four sizes, with twelve different flavors and a heat level of either Mild or Hot. The top heat level is Double Dog Dare, and those are six wings for $10.99 plus tax. Ouch. Now, to do their Chicken Champ Challenge (for the T-shirt and a spot on the wall), you have to eat the wings without a drink, waiting two minutes between each one. Lunch was mostly about a pleasant visit with my friend Paul, so I didn’t do the challenge. I got three drums (actually four; a little throw-in runt tagged along) and three flats. Double Dog Dare wings are prepared when you order them, so you’ll wait about 12 minutes.

gyrouno2

Quality: 4/10. My wings were fresh, appealingly sized, and served at ideal temperature. But when they’re $2 each, the value proposition is badly damaged. These are pretty wings, but they’re really high in the name of novelty. If you’re getting a bunch of Gyro Uno wings for the game, you’ll want to get Hot, which are down to 87¢ apiece if you get 25 of them.

Flavor: 8/10. This is a fine job delivering heat without abandoning flavor. These are tasty buffalo wings—good for a challenge, but good for lunch too, with all of the correct attendant spice and flavor notes. I appreciate hot food that is still something I want to eat for its own sake.

Heat: 8/10. Double Dog Dare wings are heavy on ghost and scorpion peppers, with characteristic C. chinense turbo lag. Wing number one is your happy little friend, with a bit of a snap. Wing number five is gloriously painful, and cackling at you every bite as sweat drips from your hairline to your neck. Are they 2,000,000 Scoville units? Hmm. Though they may contain ingredients at that level, I’d estimate the actual experience at maybe slightly more than half that. That means they’re still quite formidable. This is not an experience for novices.

 Posted by at 2:33 pm
Sep 192016
 

Burger King, one-time home of a breakfast sandwich actually called Meatnormous, has decided that Cheetos Chicken Fries should be a thing. They’re strips of fried chicken with a Cheetos coating.

ccf

No. Just no.

Just because two different things are junk food doesn’t mean they go together. I mean, Taco Bell gets this weird synthesis thing much more correct. There’s a certain logic to a Dorito taco shell, or even to Fritos in a burrito. But what do cheese curls have to do with fried chicken? Nothing. In fact, one of the very first posts on this blog was, in part, about the inappropriateness of cheese and fried chicken together.

And no, this isn’t a review. I haven’t tried them. I don’t need to. I can construct this gustatory combination perfectly on my mind’s palate. It doesn’t work.

There are bits of evil genius that come out of Burger King even today. The Quad Stacker, a ridiculous disaster of four beef patties, cheese, bacon, and oil-based sauce, might be the only fast food burger I’d miss if I never had another one. (Only the Double Stacker is on the menu, but if you ask for a Quad Stacker they’ll hook you up.) But they need to stick to those things they know.

There shouldn’t be any such thing as cheese curl chicken fingers.

 Posted by at 10:56 pm
Sep 132016
 

Being a generally conservative sort, I’m not a big fan of the endless rush of neologisms our hyperconnectivity has wrought upon our beautiful language. My seething hatred of melty is well-documented, for example, and I’m on record on ginormous as well. I think most of the time, it’s lack of necessity and/or insufficient novelty that […]

 Posted by at 11:37 am

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