Some stuff hangs onto its relevance and/or utility in modern society by a half a hair’s width. Here are my five nominees.
5. Condoms. (I mean for birth control, not disease prevention.) Yeah, all right. Did my time with them. Paid my dues. For a couple of years now there’s been a 99.995% chance I’m sterile just sitting here, so I’m very highly unlikely to have to deal with them again. To those still doing so: my advice is to tear open the damned thing as soon as you’re reasonably sure you going to need it. Establish its orientation, because if you start unrolling it the wrong way, you’re going to need another one. At that point—fumbling for the box, fishing for another one—if you’re 19 years old: no problem. If you’re 40: TIMBER!!!
4. Gary Danielson. He’s an agitator and a drama queen. Plus, he’s got an obnoxious Yankee accent that I find marginal when Alabama’s winning, and infuriating when they’re losing. He’s a net positive because he is a tremendously cerebral quarterback, and brings that to his analysis. He consistently makes me more knowledgeable about the game. If you haven’t noticed that about him, open your eyes. He’s annoying, but he’s very smart.
3. American Civil Liberties Union. What an obnoxious bunch of jackasses. But you know what? They’re antipathic toward too-powerful government, and though I’ve hardly been overwhelmed with their responsiveness during Obama’s presidency, they’ve got a pretty good record for sticking it to The Man when he needs it stuck to him. Net positive.
2. Wendy’s. There are very few high-quality food items being passed through drive-through windows, but if I have to take a fast-food burger, it’s probably going to be Wendy’s. It has mostly to do with the average age of the sandwich when I receive it, I think. I almost always believe my Wendy’s burger was made in the last ten or fifteen minutes at the most.
1. NyQuil. You poor, poor bastard. If you’re seriously considering riding the green licorice lightning, then you don’t feel very good at all, do you? I hate NyQuil for the head full of sand it gives me until about 4 pm the next day. I love it for the sleep it reliably delivers, even if it’s only worth about 75% of real sleep.