Jun 292013
 

Some stuff hangs onto its relevance and/or utility in modern society by a half a hair’s width.  Here are my five nominees.

5. Condoms.  (I mean for birth control, not disease prevention.)  Yeah, all right.  Did my time with them.  Paid my dues.  For a couple of years now there’s been a 99.995% chance I’m sterile just sitting here, so I’m very highly unlikely to have to deal with them again.  To those still doing so:  my advice is to tear open the damned thing as soon as you’re reasonably sure you going to need it.  Establish its orientation, because if you start unrolling it the wrong way, you’re going to need another one.  At that point—fumbling for the box, fishing for another one—if you’re 19 years old:  no problem.  If you’re 40:  TIMBER!!!

4. Gary Danielson.  He’s an agitator and a drama queen.  Plus, he’s got an obnoxious Yankee accent that I find marginal when Alabama’s winning, and infuriating when they’re losing.  He’s a net positive because he is a tremendously cerebral quarterback, and brings that to his analysis.  He consistently makes me more knowledgeable about the game.  If you haven’t noticed that about him, open your eyes.  He’s annoying, but he’s very smart.

3. American Civil Liberties Union.  What an obnoxious bunch of jackasses.  But you know what?  They’re antipathic toward too-powerful government, and though I’ve hardly been overwhelmed with their responsiveness during Obama’s presidency, they’ve got a pretty good record for sticking it to The Man when he needs it stuck to him.  Net positive.

2. Wendy’s.  There are very few high-quality food items being passed through drive-through windows, but if I have to take a fast-food burger, it’s probably going to be Wendy’s.  It has mostly to do with the average age of the sandwich when I receive it, I think.  I almost always believe my Wendy’s burger was made in the last ten or fifteen minutes at the most.

1. NyQuil.  You poor, poor bastard.  If you’re seriously considering riding the green licorice lightning, then you don’t feel very good at all, do you?  I hate NyQuil for the head full of sand it gives me until about 4 pm the next day.  I love it for the sleep it reliably delivers, even if it’s only worth about 75% of real sleep.

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     Posted by at 12:44 am

      3 Responses to “Five things that suck just very slightly less than not”

    1. In regards to:

      5. I’ll have to take your word for it.

      4. Hizzoner sez, “He’s not that smart. But he IS smarter than Vern Lundquist.” Me, I watch with the sound off.

      And what’s so obnoxious about a Yankee accent, Bo? Hmmmmm?

      3. ACLU is certainly to be depended to support the wrong side when it comes to honest violations of traditional American values.

      2. Is it me or does Wendy’s taste funny lately? I haven’t enjoyed it since they made the change to the fries, and the last few burgers I’ve tried have put me off their feed. If it wasn’t for the chili I wouldn’t go there at all. I’d rather go to 5 Guys.

      1. But then, I’m odd because NyQuil keeps me awake. It doesn’t destuffify my congestion, either. I favor a shot or two of Mr. Daniels with a hot cup of tea when indisposed.

    2. 4. I said that he has an obnoxious Yankee accent, not that all Yankee accents are obnoxious. (Actually the pushback I expected on that was some malcontent babbling that he has a Midwestern accent.) I’m certain your accent is gloriously mellifluous and melllifluously glorious. ;-P

      2. I haven’t been in quite some time…couple of months, maybe? A verification visit may be in order. I really don’t eat fast food much at all anymore except for my occasional breakfast weakness. And I’d much rather go to Five Guys too, but that’s a little bit of a different animal. I can’t have that handed through a drive-through window (not around here, anyway; maybe other places are different).

      1. NyQuil on the regular store shelf doesn’t have the decongestant pseudoephedrine in it anymore. The previous formula is now called NyQuil D, and it’s behind the counter, and you have to leave personal information to purchase it (exactly what you have to provide varies by state).

    3. 5. Glad those days are over.

      4. The only color commentator that spews more negativity is Johnny Miller (PGA). I can’t stand to listen to either of them. Verne, on the other hand, is just addled. We have a drinking game for every time he mispronounces a player’s name or forgets what city he’s in.

      3. I guess they serve a purpose. So do spiders.

      2. Wendy’s is about the only fast food burger I can tolerate. The fries are just “meh” though.

      1. What cracks me up is the new version of NyQuil that’s “just for sleep”. It’s an antihistamine, people. You can buy generic Benadryl for $3.99 and it works just as well.

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