Oct 032008

I hereby declare the era of the ridiculous hamburger as satirical commentary on American excess and consumerism over.

Of course, fast food places have never been strongholds of dietary prudence.  Burgers like the Whopper, the Quarter Pounder, and the Wendy’s Triple with Cheese have been around for decades.  Then Hardee’s came along with the Thickburger, and there are Double variants of some of the aforementioned standbys.

Some of the funnier ones to me are the new bacon burgers.  Burger King has the Stacker, and Wendy’s has the Baconator.  There may be others.  Abandoning even a limp pretense of balanced nutrition, there is nothing on them but beef, bacon, cheese, and oil-based sauce.  Here you go.  Bon appétit, fat ass.

Then I suppose there’s the 20-oz. Chee’burger, Chee’burger offering, but what’s past that?  Aye, what else indeed!

When you’re ready to trump the turkeys and take on the eagles, head on over to Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, where they’ll lay Ye Olde 96er (as in ounces) on you for a mere $35.95:

You have three hours to finish it, and if you do, great things happen.  It stood unconquered for a long time, until a 19-year-old, 100-lb. drink of water named Kate Stelnick polished it off in 2:54.  She was awarded a certificate, prizes, and (of course) got her burger comped.

Thus began the arms race, as this establishment and that introduced even bigger burgers.  I dare say Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub has recaptured the top spot, however, with the “Beer Barrel ‘Main Event’ Charity Burger”:

That monster features 100 pounds of beef and will set you back $379.95.

When a $36 6-pounder becomes modest, I’d say whatever crass wit was once available in this vein has been exhausted.

Pause for a moment and love America with me.

You might also like:

 Posted by at 8:50 pm

  4 Responses to “I like big burgers…and I cannot lie”

  1. God help me, all I could think was how good that triple bacon cheese burger looked. Unfortunately, I’m stricken with acid reflux if I eat things like. Sigh.

  2. Cheryl, I love them too. Unfortunately, I’m stricken with big-as-a-goddam-house. Sigh.


  3. Really, I love a good burger as much as the next gal (and Mr. Chili makes a FANTASTIC one on the grill, which I dress with toasted cheese (yes, I melt little discs of cheese in the oven), pickles, onions, a little mustard and WAY too much ketchup), but the excess of these really does kind of make me sick. Figuratively, though, because I just don’t partake.

    One of the sub shops on the main road near Local U. runs a “sliders and milkshake” competition. The burgers are small – about palm sized – but the quantity is just as bad as the 6-pound burger. They send out a tray of 19 burgers, a large order of fries and a milkshake. Anyone who can eat it all gets his or her picture on the north wall; anyone who tries and fails gets put on the southern “Wall of Shame.” It’s ridiculous.

  4. Hey, don’t forget, eating is a “sport” covered by ESPN. People starving in the world and we stage gluttony contests.

    I do eat the occasional hamburger.

 Leave a Reply

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>




This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!