I suppose it sounds all too-cool-for-school (-5) to say that I don’t find fame inherently impressive. Sounds like something the jerk who won’t ever shut up about how he never watches television would say, you know?

However, it’s true. If you’re playing Bo’s-a-Prick Bingo, go ahead and put a marker on the “Isn’t Impressed By Fame” square. There are scores, perhaps hundreds, of first-tier “celebrities” I wouldn’t even necessarily recognize. That whole Affleck/Damon/DiCaprio crowd all looks the same to me (which was a real liability watching The Departed, I’ll tell you). There are six or eight trampish blondes I can’t ever keep straight. And I’d have a hell of a lot of trouble with most any famous musician under 30.

Consequently, I believe there are relatively few people who could render me starstruck. I can’t think of any actor who could. Kevin Spacey is my favorite, but I could shake his hand and make cocktail party talk with him. Sports figures? I can count the ones I’d even make an effort to glimpse on one hand.

So who could make me stutter? Stanley Kubrick and Ronald Reagan could have. Here are a few good guesses among the living:

• Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, most likely. The founders of Kiss? Seriously? Standing right in front of me?
• I’d have a hard time with Tori Amos. I’ve admired her singing, playing, and songwriting for almost half my life. Little Earthquakes is an all-time top five album for me. Plus, she’s otherworldly sexy. We saw her at Starwood in Nashville several years ago, and her grinding on the piano bench singing and playing “Precious Things” was the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen in public.
• Alabama’s own Condoleezza Rice might leave me at a loss in her presence. I admire her intellect and substantial academic accomplishments. She’s also one of the world’s foremost experts on Slavic cultures, and a concert pianist talented enough to play anything (really). Plus, she loves football.
• Tracey Ullman would blow me away. If I had a fiftieth of her comedic abilities, I’d be the funniest guy in five counties. She has never not entertained me—and well—when I’ve stopped to watch and listen.
• And Pauly Shore, of course, for all of the obvious reasons.

There’s my off-the-top-of-my-head list. Anyone out there who would make you drool and/or babble?