To the well-meaning addressing an LGBTQ+ parent: Pity is wrong

When Lea and I began making our way with the knowledge that our son Nathan was now our daughter Amelia, one of the first things I did was have lunch with my pastor. David is an outstanding spiritual leader, and naturally pledged his full support to our family.

He said something interesting, though. Drawing upon his experience, he said that as this knowledge becomes public, we should prepare to be surprised by who supports us and who backs away from us—and there would be surprises in both camps.

Well, guess what? He was right.

In my experience, most people believe they are being supportive when they tell me they feel sorry for us. (A handful don’t. They say they feel sorry for us as if Mia had become an axe murderer. Sometimes this is obvious in the moment; other times it becomes apparent with time. Whichever the case, I’m not talking about those people.)

But, to the genuinely well-meaning? Please don’t. Pity is wrong. There are challenges, yes, but aren’t there challenges with anyone? My love for my child is not diminished because of her sexuality or gender identity any more than it is because of her hair color. Moreover, Mia’s mental health and general outlook on life are so much more promising than they were.

I’m ridiculously thankful for that.

If you want to say anything to me about it, tell me how happy you are that Mia’s finding her groove. Tell me how wonderful it is to hear that our current level of peace seemed unattainable two short years ago.

Or—guess what? You really can just say “how are the kids?”

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