Here’s how you can help her quit smoking

Last night in evening stop-and-go traffic, I noticed that the woman behind me was smoking a cigarette—but as stealthily as she could. She would duck down to take a drag and inhale, and only pop back up when she was about halfway through her exhale.

I immediately felt for her. She was 40ish, probably a wife and mom, and probably in the nascent midst of the latest of a long string of failures to quit smoking. Soon she would get home, where she would pretend she hadn’t been smoking and her family would pretend they didn’t smell it. Later, there might be an after-dinner “errand” she had “forgotten” so she could get out and do it again.

And this morning, or tomorrow morning, or the morning after that, she will try again.

And eventually, it will take.

If you are that woman or someone like her (as I once was), you have every ounce of sympathy I can possibly muster. If you care for that woman or someone like her, you have my impassioned plea to be patient with her.

Of the things in my life that are completely under my control, I have never done anything more difficult than quitting smoking. Let me say that again so you don’t miss it:  I have never done anything more difficult than quitting smoking. I finally succeeded in the summer of 2011. I don’t know how many times I tried, but 100 is a good guess, and I’m not exaggerating at all. If you’ve never been through it, then I can’t explain it to you in a way that you’ll understand.

Very few people get to be 40 years old with a family and genuinely want to continue smoking. If you love someone who is trying to quit and hasn’t succeeded yet, know that your loved one is feeling crushing guilt every time she fails. As frustrated as you get with it, know that she feels that tenfold. Shaming her won’t help. Always be positive. If you can’t be positive, don’t say anything.

She can’t quit for you. She has to quit for herself. She will get to that place more quickly with an encouraging support system.

Love her. Cheer her on. Pray for her. Never shame her.

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