Your new TSA makes your pat-down worth your while, baby

Ladies and gentlemen of the air traveling public, come meet your new TSA.

Our warm, friendly, accommodating staff is here to make sure your trip through the security gate is as pleasurable as possible.  You never had so much fun giving up personal liberty.  Fight terrorism, reduce the national debt, and get your rocks off, all in one mind-blowing session!  Multiple pat-down options are available for any taste or budget—from a casual cupping that will make your day, to a lengthy and (ahem) attentive examination that is sure to be a treasured memory forever.

“Alicia understands me like no one else.  It gets expensive paying airfare just to see her, but she’s so worth it.” – Rob G., Arkansas

“Joe makes me feel loved.  Not just cared for, but loved.  Oh God, his hands…” – Sherrie C., New Hampshire

“Ooooh, please touch my junk!” – John T., California

Folks, come see what’s possible between a government agent and an eager air traveler, all in the interest of protecting the nation.  We have a varied assortment of personnel available in most metropolitan airports.  Earliest arrivals get the widest selection.  Limited reservations coming soon to select markets.

If you don’t lie back and moan, the terrorists have already won.

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