You want to know my mom? Here you go

My mother:

• Ordered mustard, pickle, and onion on her hamburger without exception. (So she loved Krystals.)
• Was a stewardess for Northwest Airlines and living in Minnesota when she and Dad married.
• Liked and introduced me to peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.
• Was addicted to, at one time or another, NyQuil and Neo-Synephrine.
• Loved the ritual of an Episcopalian service. Grace in Anniston was my first church, and I vividly remember kneeling, standing, and sitting with her.
• Strongly preferred white lights to colored lights at Christmastime.
• Always had the iconic 6 1/2 oz. Coca-Cola bottle when we would eat at the Golden Rule BBQ.
• Owned a 1969 Chevrolet Brookwood named Herkimer, a 1977 Buick Estate Wagon named Osnoggle, a 1978 Chevrolet Caprice Classic named Rosemary, and a 1992 Honda Accord named Camellia.
• Never saw a Star Wars movie.
• Hated for anyone to touch her head.
• Howled to near-breathlessness at that stupid singing mounted fish.
• Didn’t trust people with what she judged to be thin lips.
• Stole from doctor’s examination rooms regularly and shamelessly. I see I told that one already some time ago.
• Once played ZAFTIG to crush my last hopes in a Scrabble game.
• Worried about my spiritual health when I came for a few days at Christmas and she saw The Fountainhead on my nightstand.
• Batted .200 on husbands.
• Remained the greeting voice on her widower’s answering machine a full seven years after she died.
• Finally figured out that she could keep her furniture store salesperson peers from stealing her lighter if it was a pink Bic jr.
• Thought that calling soft drinks “bellywashes” would temper my consumption of them.
• Once knocked over a traffic pylon with Osnoggle solely for the amusement of her children.
• Pretended to like my first fiancée.
• Pretended to dislike my second fiancée (and wife).
• Had ridiculously skinny legs. She used to tell of a high school classmate who would tease “don’t step in any Coke bottles, Russell.”
• Went through a brief but intense CB radio period. Her handle was Sugar.
• Adored the little colored plastic animals Sonic used to put on top of their milkshakes.
• Would exclaim “well, fuck me runnin’!” when others might have said “well, I’ll be!” or “how about that!”
• Missed meeting two grandsons who would have given her tremendous pleasure, and vice versa.
• Has my love now and forever. I miss you, Mom.

You might also like:

• My mother stole this sign in Minnesota in 1967
  Longtime readers may remember that my mother was once a stewardess. She flew with Northwest, and liv…
• The second coming of John Kerry?
  Kerry for VP? Could it happen? This guy thinks so. I kind of hope so, actually. I’m hard-pressed to …
• Cheeseburger lasagna
  I cook about half the time at our house, or maybe a little more. I don’t say this hoping to score po…
• Review: Flash Point Sauces Blazin’ Mustard
  In the bottle. (Click for larger.)[/ca…
• Remembering Uncle Larry
  Uncle Larry was my mother’s younger brother. He was killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve, 1983. I …