BoWilliams.com On Marriage, Part VIII: The Sex Post

(Warning:  This post contains explicit sexual content.)

Lea and I attended a performance of Rock of Ages last year at the Von Braun Center. It was well attended by our demographic of Generation X, but also by many considerably older people. I presumed they were vested in the Broadway Theater League in some way or another, and that’s how they found themselves at the show. I caught myself idly wondering “gee, I wonder what all of these old people think of the fishnet stockings, stiletto heels, and dick jokes?”

And in the immediately following days, it became clear to me for the first time what people mean when they say “every generation thinks they invented it.”

We are such a mercurial society when it comes to sex. We obviously have a lot of it. Clearly, we’re fine with it permeating much of popular culture. It’s not really usual cocktail party chat, which is probably a good thing. Yet it seems a lot of us also get squeamish discussing it with our spouses, when that should be the most natural conversation in the world.

Sexual intercourse is the most powerful physical representation of the marital union. It is the outward manifestation of two becoming one flesh. It’s an expression of your love. It’s “we rock.” It’s “there, there.” It’s “I’m sorry.” Sometimes it’s even “well, nothing’s on TV…”

But it is never unimportant. And as marriages begin to acquire patina, sex all too often gets short shrift. Sheesh, we went to work, we cooked, we did soccer practice, we helped with homework, and now we have to do that too? Yes. All of that is especially why you should do that too. That is only yours.

I say to what I am certain is universal relief that I shall not go into a blow-by-blow of my current sex life. However, I will share some guidelines I have encountered in my travels that I believe are good ones. Please consider the following:

• Do it. Oh, we can’t. We’re too busy. (See above.) Oh, we can’t. We’re too old. My back hurts, erectile dysfunction, menopause, blah blah blah. Uh, yeah. What kind of sex life do you suppose Helen Mirren has? Or Sean Connery? Do it. You have time for this.
• Or, don’t do it. Intimate time together need not always have a prescribed agenda. Close time together can be absolutely magical whether or not there is overtly sexual activity, and whether or not you know that going into the moment. Don’t manufacture pressure needlessly.
• Don’t take it too seriously. Sometimes you’re not going to be on the same page. Sometimes there are untimely noises or bodily occurrences. Guess what? It’s funny. You can laugh. You’re not laughing at each other. Guess what else? Our bodies’ salad days are short indeed, and most of us have left them behind by the time we’re married. Don’t worry about it. Go with it.
• Don’t emotionally weaponize it. The ultimate expression of your marital intimacy should be neither a reward nor a punishment. You don’t provide or withhold your love itself on such bases, do you? This is the same thing.
• Be at peace with him/her solo. Put bluntly, don’t feel threatened by your spouse masturbating. Hey, ladies? It’s almost like breathing for him. It’s hard-wired. Hey, guys? However digitally or lingually talented you may be, there are things you just can’t do. Don’t begrudge her that. Consider it complementary, not competitive.
• Feed the freak. You’re not normal. Neither is your spouse. There isn’t any such thing. Assuming mutual consent and lack of injury to others, find (or admit) your deviant and start shoveling Cheetos down its gullet, baby. What better place but a lifelong monogamous relationship to do such? Trust your spouse to explore with you, not ridicule. Accommodate as best you can when it’s not someplace you would go yourself, but a place you want to go for him/her. (If it’s someplace s/he really wants to go, you may not even have to be that convincing.)
• Stay home. Some couples convince themselves that there is additional fulfillment in involving other people, whether together or apart. While I’m sure some married couples make that work on some level, the profound connection to be had is with one other person—your spouse.

Your sex life is not a distinct part of your relationship with your spouse. It’s inseparable from it. Tend to its health just as you do your marriage in general. Don’t be afraid of it. Recognize its importance to your mutual intimacy, but don’t take any single perceived misstep too seriously.

Touch. Laugh. Grow.

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