Note: I planned this series loosely enough that I realized up front some of it might not go the way I expected, and that happened with this post. This evolved into a post that I might have liked to publish first in the series. I can’t now, but that’s fine. After all, some people evaluating spousal candidates aren’t doing so for the first time either. – Bo
After Lea and I had begun discussing the possibility of marriage, but before we were engaged, I told her one Sunday morning that there were three things about which I wouldn’t change my mind, and she needed to be okay with them if we were going to get married:
- I intend to raise a family in northern Alabama. If you want to move, don’t marry me.
- It is likely I will lose a significant amount of hair, and I’m not nearly vain enough to try to cover it up. If you can’t be married to a bald guy, don’t marry me.
- I am never going to drive all over the country living out of a motor home for an extended period. If you ever want to do that, don’t marry me.
Of course, there are many more agreements a couple should have before getting married, but we already knew we were fine on most of those. These were the ones on which I wasn’t sure, so I asked. She was good with all three, so here we are.
It ought to be pretty clear that I take marriage vows seriously. A guy who’s ambivalent about them wouldn’t endeavor to write a ten-post series on the topic. So obviously, it’s important to maximize your chance of success going in. And while there are thousands of ways to feed or injure your organism, there are three big pages you and your spouse-to-be have to be on together or failure is much more likely.
For one thing, and perhaps most obviously, you have to have similar plans.
(Heh. I say “most obviously,” but I was well on the way to blowing this one myself.) I was engaged once before Lea, and she was the only woman who ever truly broke my heart. But guess what? If we had gone ahead and married, we’d almost certainly be divorced by now. I just started my 28th year in the Huntsville area, and I love it. Know where she and her family live? Pakistan. Know where she moved to Pakistan from? Kazakhstan.
Reckon it’s easy to get the ‘Bama game in Islamabad? Heh.
Your marriage can survive, and even thrive, with all sorts of differences. But the basic logistics of how you each want to live your lives need to be fairly consistent. If my first fiancée and I had married, the day might well have come that I told her I wasn’t going to live in Asia. What would the cost have been then? Would we have had a child with a transcontinental broken home?
For another, you should have similar values.
If you live for deer season, don’t get interested in an animal rights vegan. If you’re irreligious and you have no particular interest in changing that, then don’t fall in love with a devout Catholic. I know married couples who seem to make a religious difference work, but it’s hard for me to understand how. It may not be a conversation now, but do you plan to have children? How will you handle their introductions to such topics? Do you differ significantly on handling end-of-life issues? Suffice to say it eliminates a whole range of potentially serious problems to be on the same page here.
Finally, if you are highly intelligent, then marry someone of comparable intelligence.
Surely you have noticed that our bodies steadily quit on us. Now to be sure, they do so more quickly if we don’t take care of them, but they do regardless. You will have the pleasure of talking with your spouse long after your/his/her comeliness has waned. Don’t overvalue that comeliness only to arrive at its decline and discover you can’t stand being with her anymore because you have 30 IQ points on her.
Do you like to spar verbally? Make sure he can hit it back, and hard enough to zing you once in a while. Do you both make cerebral jokes? Do you get hers, and she yours?
Do you each realize that the most powerful sexual organ, by far, is the brain?
Sadly, some don’t, but most of us get to keep our brains essentially intact all of our lives. At least the brain’s decline is certainly not guaranteed, like that of our bodies. Don’t dare undervalue the stimulation of an intellectually comparable spouse, today or ever. Your chances of enjoying such long-term are far better than your chances of looking good naked long-term.
Amor vincit omnia and all, but it’s wise not to ask love to conquer substantial differences in plans, values, or intelligence. Having those three commonalities from the start helps ensure you’ll have love’s maximum power to get you through when you need it.
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Great post and I’m enjoying all of them in this series. Rupa and I have obvious differences in religious “thoughts” and when we (our families) get together I can discuss with you how we are making it work for our kids. Too much to put down here. I’ll never know if we got it right, but it seems to be working now…
Sounds good, Dave, but make sure it’s all right with Rupa before we have that conversation! 🙂
I absolutely agree that it is essential to talk this stuff out BEFORE you get married, BEFORE it’s an issue.
The wrinkle that’s hard to deal with is how people change. I think my hubby and I have changed together through a combination of talking, staying connected, and the fact that our change has been in line with fundamental traits that were already present. I’d love to hear your take though. Have you and Lea always changed together? Has it been effortless or have you had to work at it? Did having kids make that easier or harder to do?
Excellent thoughts and questions, MrsDragon. And now I shall give you a deeply unsatisfying reply: wait until next week. 🙂
(You’ve actually tipped a good bit of it.)
The short answer is that you lay a foundation that anticipates as best you can. The three commonalities this post describes do a pretty good job of that, I think.
What some will see as a barb in it is that when you marry, there are some things you’re going to have to refuse.
More on Tuesday.