I am the new leader of the Republican Party

Well, I’ve about had it with all of the teeth-gnashing and moaning about how adrift the Republicans are.  Someone has to step up, and I’ve decided I’m it.  I am the new leader of the Republican Party.  If you want change in 2010, I’m going to be calling the shots, so you better get on board now, skippy.  Here is my Contract with America:

• We believe the United States of America is the greatest nation in the world, not one among equals.
• We recognize the U.S. Constitution as the supreme law of the land.  We further recognize it as an exhaustive list of what the federal government may do.  You will not believe the list of federal office closings that is coming.
• We recognize that individuals free to pursue their self-interests are by far the most meaningful engines for progress, and will actively and meaningfully legislate to their advantage.
• We will immediately repeal the Sixteenth Amendment.  A federal government with truly constitutional scope requires no income taxes—now or ever.
• We will immediately, rigorously, and relentlessly audit the Federal Reserve for as long as it exists, which shall not be very long.
• We believe in deterrence, which means robust missile defense.  We also believe, as John Derbyshire so elegantly expressed, that the United States should no longer romance enemy nations with “decades-long, trillion-dollar campaigns to make them love us,” but should instead engage in “quick ten-million-dollar lessons in why they should fear us.”
• We believe in secure borders and substantive enforcement of immigration law.
• We believe the historical Republican fascination with the various social behaviors of U.S. citizens is distracting, unproductive, and divisive.  The sole meaningful principle is not to violate another’s rights.  No legislative pursuit outside that boundary shall continue.  War on Drugs?  Over.  Defense of Marriage Act?  Over.  You get the idea.
• We will never have a czar of anything.
• We will ask Beyonce to oil herself for no less than ten minutes on YouTube weekly.

I am the wave of the future.  I am the one we’ve been waiting for.  I am hope.

I am change we can fucking believe in.

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