Prudent living tip for today: wild animals make bad pets. Corollary: wild animals who are a) several times stronger than you are, and b) inherently unpredictable make horrible pets.
You know, if you’re going to live on thousands of acres where you can run around in a loincloth and chant and commune with them and shit, that’s one thing. But in the conventional pet sense? Nah. Bad move.
Chimpanzees are strong—freakishly, unbelievably strong. As soon as I read about the adventures of Travis, I remembered this Straight Dope column, in which we learn that:
- In a strength test at the Bronx Zoo in 1924, a 135-lb. chimpanzee named Suzette registered a pull on a spring dynamometer of 1,260 pounds—with one hand.
- The original questioner writes of a carnival act he saw in which a person could win $100 by staying in a boxing ring with a 90-lb. chimpanzee for three minutes. The keeper would let the mark enjoy himself and thoughts of easy money for a minute or so, and then blow a whistle—at which point the chimpanzee would pick the person up and effortlessly throw him over the ropes.
- “When roused, they are vicious little bastards and not to be trifled with.” Indeed.
Perhaps if this woman avoids charges, she and the idiot who climbed into the panda bear’s cage to give him a hug can hang out.
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Yeah, but chimps are funny. Haven’t you seen them in movies clowning, getting dressed up like humans, riding in big rigs with Greg Evigan? Hell, even Michael Jackson had one and there’s nothing wrong with him…wait…wasn’t he missing a nose for a while?
“Starsky and Hutch chimps, a chimp who’s sitting on the can / A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam.” -Barenaked Ladies-
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B.J. and the Bear. Although the name B.J. is funnier than a chimp.