So I just got back from driving around in the truck and smoking. In what is now a well-rehearsed routine, I tell Lea I’m going out for a little while, she pretends not to know I’m going out to drive around and smoke, and I pretend not to know that she knows that I’m going out to drive around and smoke.
So now, here I sit, laboring under the guilt that is usual upon my return. I’m sick to fucking death of the topic. I look back over my blog at the number of times I’ve written about it, and I want to vomit. I could flagellate some more about how hard it is, but there hasn’t been anything new to understand about the problem in years. Continuing to whine the same old whines about it is indistinguishable from jerking off in public, with reactions justifiably ranging from apathy to disgust.
It’s a problem with a solution, the pursuit of which requires perseverance. In that respect it’s not unlike any other number of problems an adult may face, and it’s not inherently interesting.
If I do have what I feel like is an inspired thought on such, then I’ll certainly share it. But I’m finished pretending it’s fascinating that I have longstanding behavioral shortcomings. It’s not to be talked about anymore. It’s to be done.
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It’s not lost on me that bringing it up to say I’m not going to bring it up anymore is itself the same self-indulgence. But, you know, cleansing, healing place, CLOSURE, and shit. Heh.
Self-loathing and guilt are great motivators for change. And Lea must have a ton of self control ‘cuz I guarantee you reek like a stale ashtray when you return.
Nicotine gum combined with some form of performance measurable cardiovascular excerise are the key. The gum allows you to ‘dose’ whenever the urge hits, just like a cig, and the ‘performance measurable cardiovascular excerise’ enables you to see improvement in your health over time which tends to be self-reinforcing.
Inhaled my first cig at 10 and my last at 38. Haven’t touched one in 8 years. It’s a filthy habit I refuse to romanticize and I sure as hell don’t miss it. I regret the years and dollars I wasted on it. Never surrender!
I was going to ask you how it was going. 🙁 I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time.
Lee, Fighting: I really appreciate it. Lee, I’ve been thinking about the gum. I’m fond of saying I’ve quit every way you can quit, but I actually haven’t used the gum. And you’ve got Lea pegged. I’m certain I’ve tested her patience on this more than anything else, and her love and support are seemingly inexhaustible. God bless her. God bless us.
My intolerance for infidelity is long and well-documented. Few things are as destructive and utterly self-absorbed. Hey, guess what else is?
As I said, I’ve understood it to death. Perhaps casting a smoking habit in this same light is the epiphany I need. I’ve long ago exhausted the utility to be found in the touchy-feely pabulum commonly encountered on the topic of smoking cessation.
No, I need to know at the base of my soul that I’m fucking everyone who loves and depends on me every time I do it. I don’t play dice with my career or my relationships, and this should be approached the same way. Guilt, self-loathing? Yeah, let’s really feel them, and then let’s extinguish them (literally, I suppose).
I hope and pray I haven’t waited too long to try to recover my health.
You might never run sub 6 minute miles but you’ll certainly be better off the sooner you quit. Assuming you don’t already have COPD, the only real risk that lingers is cancer. And even that fades with time.
Get the really foul tasting gum too. It more closely resembles a real cig. Don’t get the mint flavored or the soft stuff or any of those other so-called improvements. You’ll come to like (even crave)the flavor. An added bonus is that you’ll have the jaw strength of a Hyena after a few months.
If you’re like me, you’ll swap your smoking habit for a gum habit. (The gum doubles as something to keep your mouth busy so that you aren’t eating all the time too.) When you feel you’ve put enough time between smoking Bo and non-smoking Bo, kick the gum habit at your leisure.
Do you want to hear a sad story? Or, a mad story? Or some other story about a loved one who did or did not kick a bad habit? Or would you rather know that we just care about you?
Lee: I’m five hours in and on my second piece of nasty-ass store-brand nicotine gum. 🙂
‘seester: I appreciate it. Please just care and pray.
Great! Chew the heck out of it! A box a day and 24/7 if need be. Figure on chewing it for at least one week for every year you smoked, maybe two. Don’t be in a rush to get off the gum. Expensive, but $$$ well spent.
Bo, being a wife of an on again off again, currently on, partaker of the nasty habit mentioned. We try to ignore it and understand. But you have to understand, we dont usually lick ash trays or dog ass and kissing you after your “drive” is like that. Not only that but we want yall to be around for many years to come, and I am not carrying your oxygen bottle for you when you get old!
Lori: Thanks. I appreciate it.
When I was single, I always liked kissing girls who smoked. Smoking girls were bad girls. 😉 I suppose if I ever stay off long enough, I’ll lose that little fetishistic affection.
Still fine. Gum helps.