“But we’re family” no license for sustained mistreatment

Dolores Aguilar died on August 7, 2008.  She was a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother.

She was also, apparently, a miserable and detestable human being.  This is her actual obituary that ran in the Vallejo Times-Herald on August 16 and 17 (verified at snopes.com):

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

Unorthodox?  Definitely.  Shocking?  Perhaps.  Refreshing?  Oh, hell yes.

I’ve seen, in my own family and in others, occurrence after occurrence of abominable behavior that is held to a considerably looser moral and/or ethical standard because someone, either the wailing accused or a good-for-nothing apologist for same, whiningly trots out “but we’re family!”

Well, horseshit.  A nasty old bitch is a nasty old bitch, whether she’s family or not, and whether she’s alive or not.  God bless honesty.

(I’ll point out here that I’m not talking about problems between spouses, or problems between parents and dependent children.  There are complexities in those relationships far beyond what I’m getting at.)

Mind, contrition begets forgiveness, and in the genuine presence of the former, I believe we are obliged to produce the latter.  If anything, it’s more important than not getting over the line in the first place.  Everyone screws up, after all, and reasonable people make recovery from a screw-up available.  But sustained and remorseless mistreatment of another is a different animal, and should be condemned no matter who is perpetrating it.

Whatever problems I’ve had in this vein have generally been minor, particularly compared to someone like my friend Mrs. Chili, who has had to jettison her biological mother from her life.  Moreover, I’m not where I want to be yet emotionally, though I’ve made substantial progress, thanks in no small part to an intelligent, empathic, and self-assured wife.  Lea is the best sounding board a fellow could ask for.

Specifically I’ve realized that sustained anger only robs me of energy, and that I don’t have to walk around pissed off to avoid putting myself in a position to be mistreated.  There are avenues down which I cannot travel with some people, whether they be conversational, emotional, spiritual, or whatever, and I have a baseline sadness about that.  But they are sacrifices made for a greater good.

(Notice I said “people” and not “family members” in the middle sentence above?   Think that was intentional?)

Blood is not necessarily thicker than water.  Blood is as thick as you make it, and the rules and conventions of polite society are not (or should not be) suspended because you happen to share it with someone.  Got a family member giving you the misery?  Imagine his/her behavior from a non-relative.  Is it acceptable?

If not, then it isn’t from your family member either.

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2 thoughts on ““But we’re family” no license for sustained mistreatment”

  1. Oh, you can not IMAGINE the grief I get when someone laments about my relationship with(out) my biological parents. “Won’t you be sorry when they’re dead?” they ask. “Actually, no,” I say. “When they’re dead, I won’t have to worry about them showing up at my door or calling me on the phone (not that they do that, but there’s always a possibility. I envy the HELL out of Auntie, who’s moved so much since our split about ten years ago that they don’t know how to find her anymore).

    Really? Amen to this. If it’s not acceptable behavior from a friend, it’s not acceptable behavior from a family member. In fact, I tell my children that, as members of our family, we have a GREATER obligation to be kind to one another. This is a precious relationship we’ve entered into, and we have a duty to treat it as precious.

    Reply

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