I had a muffuletta with someone I hadn’t seen in several years today. We’re not close, but we click satisfyingly and laugh a lot whenever we’re together. I should also mention we have several political and philosophical differences, though probably not as many as she thinks.
Anyway, I was emailing with her afterward about putting together another lunch or perhaps a happy hour with other folks who were invited, but couldn’t make it today. And she ribbed me a bit about being “tolerant” of her.
I was surprised at how much that word flew all over me. She was kidding me, but it was like it was the impetus for me to think about what it really means for the first time.
What is to “tolerate” something? Your feelings and your actions don’t match. To tolerate is to check, is it not? If I’m suggesting that you be tolerant, I’m saying “hey, keep your prejudice; just don’t act on it.” Right?
Well, what the hell kind of message is that? If you hate black people or gay people or women or gay black women or whatever, should I be saying “control your urges,” or should I be saying “don’t have your urges in the first place”?
I wrote her back and said “I do NOT tolerate you. I accept you.”
When I accept, my feelings and actions match. I feel how I feel, and I don’t have to “act” in any particular way; my actions are inherently true to my feelings.
Lots of ostensibly well-meaning people are preaching “tolerance” today. I realized this afternoon that I believe said preaching essentially legitimizes hate. They should be preaching acceptance.
You might also like:
- “Until they shove it in my face” indicates bigotry, not tolerance
“I’m fine with whatever people want to do and whoever they want to do it with until they shove it in… - Less tolerant
I blogged about tolerance once. I don’t much care for the word when it’s used to describe the desire… - Utah elementary school: Students must “say yes” when asked to dance
Would you believe that at a recent elementary school dance at Kanesville Elementary School in Weber … - Please don’t do this when you’re catching up with me
One of my favorite things about the Web is the plethora of mechanisms therein for catching up with p… - If I’m telling a story badly, tell me!
I can remember a couple of occasions in my young adulthood on which I was an exceptionally poor stor…
finally got a second to come and add FLORIDA to your list of blog visitors! thanks for visiting mine the other day!!!
Thanks, you’re welcome, and welcome, Laura! Any friend of Brina’s, all that good stuff. 🙂
Hmmm. Laura Bo – Bo Laura. But I guess you’ve already met! Very cool!
So back to what I really wanted to comment on – I really liked your tolerance vs. acceptance. Welcomed it even. Tolerance perpetuating the problem – as in I can’t STAND this but… I’ll swallow it anyway and make a sour face while I’m at it. Accept and it no longer becomes sour medicine.
Thanks, Brina. I read it again later and thought it sounded a bit pollyanna. “Gee, Bo, that’s just really swell. Now all we have to do is everybody hold hands and sing ‘What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love’.”
I question the effectiveness of a lot of institutionalized efforts for tolerance, but as long as someone’s going to call for something in an organized way, they might as well be calling for the correct thing, hence my post.
The thing that makes the real and sustained difference is time, as in the more people we have who were raised without it, the less bigotry and prejudice we’ll have. And I’m not at all convinced such organized efforts are significant influences of that slow-burn process. Too many members of our parents’ generation never had a chance, ideologically. Most anyone born post-civil rights movement has a good one. And our kids have a great one.
Well, there I am back to the pollyanna-soundin’ stuff again. I’ll yank it back the other way and conclude with this: I don’t have any hope of us ever abolishing prejudice completely. People have hated other people for arbitrary reasons throughout recorded history, and I think a certain kind of person is going to carry that no matter what. That which can’t be eliminated can most definitely be marginalized, however.
Naturally we should also do our damnedest to dissuade them from breeding. 🙂
I’m tolerating the hell out of your essay, Bo!
*grin*
Thanks much, Jeremy. I think I’m tolerating it well myself several days later.