Carbon offsets have been a marvelous tonic for those concerned about the environmental impact of their lifestyles. Have you ever wished for that same flexibility in how you treat others? Well, it’s here! Introducing Asshole Offsets! That’s right! Asshole Offsets give you the full freedom to be yourself. What carbon offsets do for your Chevy Tahoe, Asshole Offsets do for your personality, you asshole!
Go ahead! Berate your bank teller. Take five cookies when everyone else is only taking two. Cut someone off on your evening commute. Tell the little girl cooing over your bunnies at the pet store that you’re only buying them to feed your giant snake. Asshole Offsets have you covered! For every one you buy, I’ll help someone across the street, leave a large tip for a waitress, or perform some other good deed. You’re offset, asshole, so live it up!
What’s more, you enjoy tremendous flexibility in how you pay. Asshole Offsets are available on a per-incident basis for only $12.95 each, or three for $29.95. Or choose a time-based fee plan! You can go with the convenient $349.95 per month plan, with no minimum. Or, if you’re a humongous asshole, go with the plan most popular with elected officials and Nancy Grace: a full year of being the best asshole you can be at only $3,599.95. That’s a savings of nearly 15% off the monthly rate! And the amount you save is limited only by the size of the asshole you are! Think big, asshole!
“I’m Offset, But You’re Just an Asshole” T-shirts coming soon, free with any time-based fee plan!
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Do you have a lifetime coverage policy? Both Nancy Grace and I might need one of those.
I’m not an asshole, but do you have a gift certificate plan?
Lifetime coverage…gift certificates…layaway…hmmmm. I clearly didn’t think this all the way through. I do want to offer as many options as possible.
Way to ruin a funny Cosby joke…
Greg, your comment concerned me because I thought you meant Cosby had done something substantially similar of which I wasn’t aware. But as we discussed, this is the Cosby bit (from Himself) to which you refer:
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And he said, “Because it intensifies your personality.” I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”
So are you going to be running around doing all this good – all alone?
12.95 is pretty cheap… will rates go up as more people join?
I’d like the lifetime plan for two of my past lives and What kind of discount can I get for future lives?