I used to enjoy listening to Dr. Laura at work. I didn’t always agree with her, and given that a big part of her shtick is being an insufferably annoying pain in the ass, I’d generally listen a day or two and then take a day or two off.
Whenever she’d take a call from someone with marital problems, she’d always pointedly ask whether the caller’s spouse had radically changed, or whether s/he was essentially the same person the caller married. This was both valuable therapy and good radio, because the tendency was for the caller to smell the trap and claim the former, and Dr. Laura would pummel such a claim to nothing in another two or three questions. Then, having established that no, the caller’s spouse had not radically changed, she’d start in with where she perceived responsibility with the caller.
I’ve said more than once that one of my least favorite things about adulthood is getting an adult look at marriage—not just mine, but the marriages of others—and realizing that no, the circle of people I care about is not immune to the 50% divorce rate. It hurts to see two people I know to be good people split.
Sometimes one or both of those good people ask me for advice. Sometimes I give it unsolicited, and receive a wide range of responses, as you might imagine. On those occasions when I haven’t been told to mind my own damned business, we generally agree that marriage can be “a tough haul sometime,” as Richard Farnsworth’s Slim put it in The Getaway, and we may or may not differ on whether it’s “well worth it,” as he continued.
It’s that “well worth it” that contains the gold, ladies and gentlemen.
Barring drug addiction, serious mental illness, deception at the outset, or some other obvious mitigating factor—in other words, given two good people who are married and, despite still being good people, are now having problems—a primary key to marital success is the absence of perceived alternatives. You cannot have a Plan B. If you do, that’s energy you’re expending that should be going into strengthening your relationship. Period.
I think we have a good marriage. I think Lea thinks we have a good marriage. Really, that’s all of the earthly opinion I’d care to seriously weigh on the issue. If we think we do, then we do, right? Does anyone else’s opinion matter? People tell us we’re blessed. I agree. But I can bristle a bit when people call us lucky.
It’s not luck. This place we are is not an accident. It’s not been completely smooth. We didn’t enjoy our first six months or so together at all. About two years later, our jobs were simultaneously and unusually stressful, and that wasn’t fun either. Our third child wasn’t to be. That was harder, and for longer, than I think either of us anticipated.
But we’ve always played long ball. I’m not going anywhere, and neither is she. For each of us, it’s enough that we promised we wouldn’t. And for every serious and readily identifiable crisis like the ones above, there have been ten more moments at which one or the other of us has stopped and said “listen, I’ve got something that isn’t working for me and I’ll like for us to talk about it.” Don’t avoid those moments; relish them. It may hurt, but you’re going to grow.
“It’s all about communication,” my friend Charles and I have said (and made fun of) for decades, as it’s such an Oprah and self-help section thing to say. But you know what? A lot of it really is. It’s about identifying and solving small problems before they’re big ones. It’s about never even approaching a point at which one of you wants to leave, cheat, or both, because you’ve never allowed the pressure meter to remain in the red for that long.
Nothing is so reliable a relief valve for that pressure meter as genuine humility. It’s about having the courage to approach your spouse about a problem, but also being willing to accept that you may have a role in the situation you haven’t fully realized. You have to want the problem solved more than you want to “win.”
As competitive as I am, I’ll definitely say that’s a big way my marriage has made me a better man.
There’s a bit of a duality about marriage. Yes, there’s work to be done. It can be substantial, and it isn’t always pleasant. On the other hand, when that energy is channeled appropriately, then small problems never become big ones, and the covenant is never genuinely endangered.
If there is no Plan B, it’s almost impossible to fail.
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Good read, Bo.
Amen!
The son of a co-worker was married for maybe 5 months. His bride made the mistake of saying, in the heat of the moment, “I want a divorce!”, thinking he would back down from the fight. Instead, he took off his wedding ring and packed her stuff. He said he didn’t want to hear that every time they had a fight, for the rest of his life. She has said several times that she wished she had never said it. I thought he had overreacted. But once that trust is broken…
Wonderful post, Bo. I really enjoyed it.
As someone who has simply had to resign herself to the fact that the last ten years aren’t what she bargained for nor wants, I have to say that communication isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Anyone can use words. Words, I have learned the hard way, mean nothing to me anymore. I only believe in actions.
On the other hand, I also believe that marriage is a serious business and should not be easily dissolved. When there really is no good reason to leave, one sucks it up and makes the best of the situation. So here I am, and it does beat the alternatives.
No, you and Lea aren’t “lucky.” Except when you consider how hard it is in this big old world to beat the odds and find each other in the first place. That’s the best kind of luck there is.
Thanks, all, for the plaudits. I appreciate it. That wound up being a lot more than I intended when I sat down.
Kemtee, that’s an excellent point and one I now wish I’d included in the post. The words must be sincere and imbued with the genuine promise of action, and the action must consistently follow.
Bo, this was so well put. Thanks! 🙂
I have three friends divorcing right now…one because of infidelity, and honestly, I don’t know how you get past that. One was married to a psycho that she never should have married, and I only hope she and the kids get out unscathed…yes, he’s the same as when she married him, but she should have never married such an evil bastard. No infidelity there…but honestly horrible, horrible circumstances. The third…both of them really good people that have become gradually unhappy. However, she’s been begging for them to get some type of councilling or SOMETHING and he just refused…and he’s the one that finally gave the “D” a go. So, what do you do if the other one refuses to work?
I’m all about staying married…I’ve been married to Jeff for over 20 years, and with him for most of the last 25. And it has been HARD at times…but it definitley takes both people working.
Excellent post, Bo. I wish more…er…younger people would think before saying “I do.” (You’re forever young to me, you know.) Marriage is about the most serious commitment we make. That’s why I’ve always puzzled at the idea of making such a commitment before we actually reach adulthood. Yes, marriage is tough; life is tough. We must learn to apply win-win tactics to be successful in both.
Andy and I just had our 33rd anniversary. Through the ups and downs, we have stood as a team and remained committed to each other and to our children. It isn’t always easy, but, oh, the rewards of those happy happy moments.
I retract my previous post. Andy just threatened to throw a half gallon of ice cream at me because I laughed when he couldn’t get the top off it. I thought he needed a Plan B; he didn’t. ROFL In the end, Plan A worked, and we both walked out laughing. ;o)
Great post, Bo. My only disagreements would be with what you said about “barring drug abuse or serious mental illness,” there is no Plan B. When you marry, you vow for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I am not saying it would be easy to live through with a spouse who is addicted to drugs or is battling a serious mental illness, but you are supposed to love your spouse unconditionally. I don’t think it is OK to divorce your spouse if they are diagnosed with schizophrenia, manic depression or dementia. I also don’t think it is OK to abandon your spouse in the event of some type of substance abuse. If a spouse becomes violent because of those situations, there may indeed be need for physical separation, with the hope of reconciliation, but the marriage, the vows and the fidelity of both spouses still stands.
Denise, thank you! Best to you and Todd, and hope your injury rehab is on schedule!
Marianne, lots of it in my circle too right now. I hate it.
Jan, you and Andy sound severely married to me. Congratulations. 🙂
Leslie, thanks, and you’re on something I also should have included. I did indeed mean a situation preventing some reasonable assurance of personal safety.
Thinking the addiction thing could be tricky even absent that, though. I believe an addict who truly and fully understands his/her situation and remains indefinitely unrepentant and defiant might be a reasonable candidate for divorce. I don’t know that answer. I’d be delighted for it to remain a purely academic exercise.
Great post, Bo. I’ve sadly watched as two friends went through divorces in the last few years and one other started walking that road before turning around. Mister C and I have had more than a few loud discussions over the years. Having gotten married too young the first time, I told Mister C when we got married that I wasn’t getting another divorce. I sometimes think making that decision was more important than making the decision to get married because it’s forced me to work at working things out when they got tough.
Amen, my friend. If only it’d been spelled out to me that clearly years ago. I applaud you and your wife for actually living up to the promise you made one another all those years ago.
The marriage vows are so familiar, have been in our culture for so long, that even children recognize them – for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part – such that seemingly no one even pays attention to them anymore. Once upon a time, a person’s word was their bond – an iron-clad promise. To go back on a promise was unthinkable. Now, they might as well print the marriage licenses on fast-food napkins.
Mirth, congratulations on your determination. Hard to be a grown-up sometimes about it, but it’s worth it.
Brian, that’s one of the thoughts I have when people get so worked up about gay marriage. I think “yeah, us straight people have been such careful stewards of the institution. I can see why you don’t want it all screwed up!”
This right here:
>>You have to want the problem solved more than you want to “win.”<<
That's the key. It applies to more than just marriage but it is THE key to marriage. You can't take a win/lose mentality. If you have to set up a contrast it's US vs them, never you vs. me.
I'm greatly looking forward to your series on marriage!
“Us vs. them” is exactly right. This was contextualized early on at our house with “home is a happy place!” 🙂
Thank you, and I’m glad you’re looking forward to the series. Hopefully I can do the topic some justice.