I wish you would…

  • …check snopes.com before you click Send.
  • …just ring up the damned beer.  Do you see my hairline?  Do you see my waistline?  You don’t need to see my driver’s license, asshole.
  • …not say “think outside the box” even one more time the rest of your life.
  • …pull up your pants, you pig, and go home and tell your daddy what you just said to that young lady so he can give you the whipping you obviously need.
  • …shed yourself of the misconception that silence is inherently bad.
  • …work on your obvious prejudices before crowing endlessly about how inclusive you are.
  • …go inside instead of giving three separate orders at the drive-through, particularly when your verbal skills are so poor.
  • …redirect the energy you’re putting into sweet-talking and meeting your mistress toward trying to sincerely understand why you and your wife are estranged.
  • …think of your children.  (But I repeat myself.)
  • …do what you said you’d do.  (Again.)

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5 thoughts on “I wish you would…”

  1. kudos, especially on the snopes. i don’t know how many messages i have to “snope” each week. i have lost a few friends by “replying all” with the link to the snopes website debunking what they sent me. yeah, i’m that ahole.

    Reply
  2. Thanks, all. God, I feel like an old man sometimes.

    Bigdave: I have also learned that people don’t respond well to that. I have followed snopes.com since well before it was even a site, as in I was a regular reader of alt.folklore.urban as far back as 1994. It’s easy for me to forget how relatively skilled I’ve gotten at sniffing these things out.

    Still, there’s one rule anyone ought to be able to internalize and act upon consistently: if it’s just incredibly delicious, as in perfect revenge or comeuppance, it’s probably a crock of shit. Occasionally there are poetic endings in the real world, but they’re almost never the things of incredible beauty described in these endlessly forwarded stories!

    By the way, last time I stayed in a hotel I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, and there was this sign on the wall that said CALL 911 OR YOU WILL DIE…

    Reply

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