Dear Sir/Ma’am,
You don’t have a great job. It’s hard work, and it doesn’t pay much.
Doubtless you are aware of this, but I wanted you to know that I was aware of it too. Nevertheless, please bring all of the pride you can muster to the table. We both know that tips are a tremendous variable in your compensation.
I’m not an automatic tipper. Outstanding service? Outstanding tip. 30%. Maybe 40%. 300%, once. Terrible service? Terrible tip. 5%. 2%. I never tip zero, because then I risk your assumption that I’m just a run-of-the-mill cheapskate. In that sense, zero might not be a statement the same way 60ยข on a $30 check is, dig?
Please do these things, as they’re good for my mood and your tip:
- Speak clearly.
- Look at me when you’re talking to me, and when I’m talking to you.
- Have a real opinion. “Everything’s good” isn’t helpful. (No penalty for “I don’t know” if you just started.)
- Tell me if something beyond your control is affecting the quality of my service. That goes a long way. In fact, you can just about wipe your ass with one of my breadsticks as long as you keep me in the loop.
- Refill water, soft drinks, tea, and coffee without asking.
- Flirt, if you’re good at it. If you can deliver wit that’s subtle enough to be slightly ambiguous while flashing expressive eyes at me, go for it. I like it. God bless this sort of societal lubrication. If you’re a woman, so much the better. Heh!
- Laugh your way through this as an outstanding negative example.
Please don’t do these things, as they’re bad for my mood and your tip:
- Mumble.
- Yell.
- Ask me how we’re doing every two minutes.
- Disappear for any longer than ten minutes. Halley’s Waitress doesn’t make good tips.
- Tell me a story of more than 75 words or so (unless you’re answering a question I’ve asked).
- Interrupt anyone at the table.
- Sit down at the table.
- Recite boilerplate crap from corporate literature, i.e. “How does everything taste tonight?” Nobody says that. Please, just talk.
- Ask if we want more water, soft drinks, coffee, or tea. Just bring it, please. This is an annoying question, and early in the meal it’s downright inane. This is only a reasonable question after you’ve given me the check.
- Flirt, if you suck at it. Two heaping dollops of ham-fisted sluttiness aren’t doing anything positive for your bottom line.
Please take this brief letter to heart. Heeded, its contents will consistently make you more money.
All the best,
Bo
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And drop the ugly, tasteless, idiotic, annoying, modernism of referring to everyone at the table as “guys.”
Oh, yeah, here’s a tip for you: the plural of “you,” is “you.” So, even less reason to say “guys.” If the joint ain’t south of the Mason Dixon line, don’t say y’all.
I tend to tip well, the money means so little to me, really, and a lot to the server.
Many servers say, “If you need anything, my name is X.” My internal sense of humor says back (not out loud), “And what’s your name if I don’t need anything?”
*** chuckling at gerry, because that’s funny *** I don’t need to know their name, either. Some servers have the right amount of warmth without intruding on your meal. It’s a special talent. Remember the waitress at Main Street? Her personality was nice and engaging, but she knew when to go away.
One thing David and I miss sorely about Louisiana is restaurant service, service, service. It was leaps and bounds above anything I’ve experienced in any other place. But, then they have mostly single, locally owned places. The corporatizing of restaurants has led to nothing but homogenized chain after chain after chain, and I am sure they have Total Quality Management college for the servers and they measure their performance with little spreadsheets and metrics.
Gerry IS funny. What’s funnier is that he’s totally not kidding.
It really is rare to find really great service. If I had enough patience to deal with all the rude people I see around me at restaurants, I bed I’d be a really kick-ass waitress. Of course, I DON’T have patience for rudeness, so the first asshole who told me to bring him some coffee – and make sure it’s hot – would get that lovely hot coffee right in the crotch.
I agree that it’s rare to find great service, but I don’t get truly bad service often at all. In my experience, the curve is quite meaty from A- to C+.
When we drove down to Omaha a couple months ago, we encountered the most downtrodden server I’ve ever seen. Shoulders slumped, never any eye contact, looked at the floor, and she spoke everything either in a near whisper or mumbled. Once we got our food, that was the last we saw of her until flagged down someone else to bring our check. After the check came, suddenly and mysteriously she squeezed through a coat hung on the hook by the booth like it was a curtain(!) and asked us if we wanted refills.
[politely] “No, we’re good. Thanks.”
“You… you don’t want refills?”
She moped away like we had destroyed her world by not wanting refills. What an odd little bird she was.
If there’s lousy service and I left a small tip, I don’t go back. I figure they might remember me and spit in my food. There’s enough decent restaurants around to not waste time on a bad one, and if it’s bad enough, it’s going to go out of business soon anyway. Case in point: the Japanese restaurant in Hampton Cove behind the Exxon. The server the last time I went got orders wrong, said she would be back with refills (liar), and charged us adult meal prices for the kids’ meals..
Miria, I never thought of that. Wonder if I’ve had spit-in food before for that reason?