Grumpy

• If your voice mail or answering machine message to me will take longer than 15 seconds, please just tell me to call you instead.
• Look, dude, I don’t have anything against you paying for your Mountain Dew and Snickers with loose change. I used to be a broke high school student too. But hey, here are some dynamite pointers to help you with that whole consideration-for-others thing, which (one hopes) you’ll eventually find more important than you evidently do now: before you get to the counter, know how much you have, and know what the items you wish to purchase cost.
• Servers, please just refill my tea, soft drink, or water instead of asking me if I want it refilled. (It’s a particularly inane question early in the meal.)
• I’m polite and respectful when I visit your part of the country. Please return the favor when you visit mine.
• Mom? Dad? Prithee why is your minor child running around the mall with the word “Juicy” plastered across her ass?
• Also, why does your 16-year-old son have the keys to a 300-horsepower Mustang GT?
• I won’t mind paying 20% more if you’ll make it 20% better. (Applies to scores of consumer products.)
• As tragic as the Virginia Tech massacre is, it doesn’t change the fact that I think head football coach Frank Beamer is a jerk who encourages and coddles thugs, and I still won’t shed a tear when Virginia Tech loses this fall. Sentimental favorite? My ass. We might could talk if I’d seen any class on the gridiron in the last decade.
• If you’re going to take up two parking spaces with your new car, you’d best do it somewhere in the back half of a parking lot that’s less than a third full. If you pull that shit at the front door and I’m coming to the same place, I might decide I’d enjoy the challenge of wedging a half-ton crew-cab pickup in right beside you.
• Ma’am, when I’m walking briskly by you and not making eye contact, it’s an excellent indication that I don’t wish to have one of your free samples, so please don’t call after me. I’m sure it tastes good. Everything I’ve ever bought at Costco has. And while Costco is perhaps the least unpleasant bricks-and-mortar store I regularly enter, from the second I do so part of me is still fantasizing about getting the hell out. I don’t enjoy routine shopping very much. Having a free sample of Yummyburger prolongs it. Thank you for understanding.

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