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The Dew Vinci Code?

a shocking exposé by guest contributor M.V.

Are the Da Vinci Code and the Diet Mountain Dew fiasco related?

To answer that question we must return to the Passover feast that Jesus celebrates with his disciples just before his execution. As we all know, he passed the bread and his cup to the disciples, thus instituting what we call the Last Supper. After this, he tells the disciples that one of them will betray him, and they are shocked. This is the moment that Leonardo Da Vinci captures in his famous The Last Supper. Judas is implicated and asked to leave.

This is where traditional history ends and the saga of Diet Mountain Dew begins.

After Judas leaves, Jesus wants to reward his faithful disciples. He takes one of the cups from the table and transforms the wine into a wonder drink. The disciples all try it and really enjoy it. Now the host of the meal has been listening the whole time and wants to taste this drink himself, but it would be rude to interrupt. He waits until Jesus and his remaining disciples leave and he retrieves the cup. He tastes the drink and notices that the cup is now miraculously inscribed with the drink's recipe. Part of the inscription includes the name of the drink as well. Being an enterprising man, he takes the cup and decides that if he can make this drink, this nectar, he will be rich. Of course, the host was missing several of the ingredients and in fact had no idea what some of them were. Eventually he decided to pass the cup on to his children in the hope that they would be able to discover these mysterious contents. This cup became the Holy Grail. It had contained the drink that Jesus had miraculously made, but also because the recipe for the drink was inscribed on the cup.

Eventually, this cup ended up in the hands of the freemasons. Leonardo Da Vinci, who was a high order mason, encoded the mysteries of this grail. In The Last Supper, Da Vinci has placed pentacles on the mountains behind Jesus. Pentacles are five-pointed stars that symbolize the planet Venus, because its odd track through the heavens traces a pentacle. The pentacles that Da Vinci paints in The Last Supper are thin. They are not broad like those found on the American flag, but more like the throwing stars of martial arts fame. Da Vinci also includes a very obvious letter V in the painting. V is the first letter of vino, the Italian word for wine. Da Vinci is pointing us to the wine cups.

In a lesser known work, Wet Mound In A Tide, Da Vinci again places thin pentacles on mountains in the background. The foreground shows a small mound of dirt, perhaps 6 to 8 inches tall. It is obviously covered in dew. The mound is surrounded by a yellowish-green tide. Scholars have wondered for centuries why Da Vinci chose this color. At last, we know why.

So let’s add up the clues. We have pentacles that symbolize Venus. When does Venus appear? It’s known as the Morning and Evening Star. And what do we get in the morning or evening? Dew! Da Vinci places the pentacles on mountains and they are thin pentacles, hinting at a diet. And in Wet Mound In A Tide, the tide is yellowish-green. Today we know of a yellowish-green drink associated with dew. Finally, the name Wet Mound In A Tide is an anagram for, yes, Diet Mountain Dew; the name inscribed on the Holy Grail.

Fast-forward to the mid-20th century. A certain man was inducted into the highest order of the Masons. These inductions, unknown to most masons, are conducted in Glastonbury. During the induction, the member is introduced to the highest treasure that the masons protect: the Holy Grail. The story of what happened after the Last Supper and the nectar that Jesus made is told. This man read the ingredients on the cup and was amazed. Because he had a background in chemistry, he actually understood most of the ingredients. When he returned home, he tried to mix the drink. He was missing only one ingredient: azpurtamay (pronounced az-PUR-tah-may). He knew that nectar should be sweet, so he substituted sugar. He tweaked the recipe and finally was satisfied. He called the drink Mountain Dew, avoiding its real name since he hadn’t mixed the true drink of the Grail.

In the 1980s, a drink specialist who worked for research and development at PepsiCo was inducted into the highest order of the Masons. When he saw the cup, he recognized the recipe as being very similar to Mountain Dew. Given the name on the cup, he assumed someone had tried to mix it, but was missing the azpurtamay ingredient. Eventually he realized that the masons had mistranslated the ingredient. It should have been aspartame. He went home and immediately mixed the correct formula. After a wait of many centuries, the world finally had the nectar of the Holy Grail.

Sadly, this drink specialist passed away only last year. PepsiCo executives had no idea that Diet Mountain Dew was divinely inspired, and starting trying to make it taste more like the imperfect formula for Mountain Dew. This year, they released a diet drink that tastes more like the original, imperfect formula, but still retains the name inscribed on the Holy Grail.

Certainly this blasphemy cannot stand.

And what does the Priory of Sion have to with all of this? Absolutely nothing. The Priory of Sion didn’t even exist until the 1950s. Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code is a work of fiction. Here at NewDietDewIsYucky.com we only deal in facts (have you read Nostradamus Knew)?

This is a work of satirical fiction.

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