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Nostradamus Knew

Many believe that Nostradamus, the 16th-century French doctor, foretold some of the most significant events of modern civilization, hundreds of years before they happened, in his cryptic writings. NewDietDewIsYucky.com is pleased to announce that, thanks to the tireless work of our ubiquitous clandestine informants, we are able to bring you some just-discovered writings of Nostradamus. Remarkably, these new quatrains shed considerable light on the current Diet Mountain Dew fiasco.

Read for yourself and see if you don't find them chilling. Below we have presented the quatrains as well as helpful commentary on them, provided by our on-staff expert in 16th-century French writings. (We operate on a limited budget here at NewDietDewIsYucky.com, but we know how to pay and retain the professionals with indispensable talents such as this.) Here they are:

In tenscore years, the western land of riches born
Pursuit of such for digestive catalyst to excel;
A quaffable libation to come, water of the hills
Reborn of honey, saffron, efficacy, delight.

Not only does Nostradamus foretell the United States of America, but the existence of PepsiCo as well. ("Digestive catalyst" is surely a reference to pepsin, which must surely mean Pepsi in this context, don't you think?) Note "water of the hills"; "Mountain Dew," anyone?

The prosperous state shall discover creeping disease
Even amidst the bedrock of its riches, evil schemes;
Sustenance in plenty shall breed tallow in surplus
Desideratum emerges; potable minus cane grace instituted.

Here we learn that the United States is too successful for its own good. We are such a rich country that we have food and drink to excess, and we are too heavy as a population. So, "potable minus cane grace"—drink without sugar, or diet drink—to the rescue! Remember, these writings are almost 500 years old! Are you blown away yet?

Until the Great One pursues the prize of zero effect
Said glasses shall prosper only in cubbies;
The glorious dew of the peak, sans all trace of evil
Shall bow, and thrive, and all shall be proper.

Nostradamus was so insightful, he even predicted that diet drinks would be a niche product until the debut of Diet Mountain Dew ("dew of the peak, sans all trace of evil").

And pursuit of more, clouded by imprudent rumination
Three great melodies, each righteous of themselves;
Shall join, and create a most discordant cacophony
Piquant, resplendent in liquide réfrigérant.

Clearly, we have a reference to PepsiCo coveting more market share beyond the sizable one already carved out with Diet Mountain Dew, and introducing a reformulated product. Moreover, we have a reference to "three great melodies"; obviously the three sweeteners aspartame, sucralose, and acesulfame potassium—which while fine individually, create a bad taste when combined. Finally, please notice the reference to liquide réfrigérant (coolant), which is a reference to the what-antifreeze-is-probably-like taste of the mangled, "Tuned Up Taste" product. Is this not uncanny?

And the multitudes of the great labyrinth
Shall become one with mace and sling;
Assault unleashed upon the bazaar's buttresses
A great fury upon the errant path traveled.

Ah, "the multitudes of the great labyrinth"! That's you and I: those who have taken up figurative arms against this travesty on the World Wide Web. In this quatrain we're further described jumping into the marketplace and influencing ideas, and therefore the mighty PepsiCo.

The earth shall behold the critical colonnade fissures
The sojourn to be demonstrated to have been vain;
The conglomerated empire will retreat, and glory!
The canonical elixir once again whole.

Folks, this is the quatrain that gives us all here at NewDietDewIsYucky.com the most hope.

This seems to describe the restoration of our glorious, dearly departed, original-formula Diet Mountain Dew! With five quatrains unambiguously having come true, surely the sixth will as well!

While we're mostly about getting our drink back here at the site, we're also proud to expand your cultural horizons as well. We hope you enjoyed this excursion into the mysterious world of the Diet Mountain Dew writings of Nostradamus.

Now let's get after it and make that sixth quatrain happen.

This is a work of satirical fiction. Thanks to M.V., who did not wish to be credited further, for developing this idea with me.

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