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NewDietDewIsYucky.com has had a corporate spy at PepsiCo for quite some time now. Thanks to his relentless research, he has uncovered the minutes from the meeting on that fateful day at which the "Tuned Up Taste" abomination was given the green light.
For obvious reasons, we have redacted the original attendees' names and replaced them with helpful shorthand to assist you in following the dialogue.
MEETING CALLED TO ORDER
Superficially Important Corporate Kingpin (SICK): Ladies and gentlemen, I'll get right to the point. The Automotive Fluids Division has come up with a new flavor that is sort of in the citrus soft drink vein if you have a good imagination, and has also managed to tease some data out showing that it tests well. We're going to make it the new flavor of Diet Mountain Dew. Thoughts?
Sycophant Unceasingly Cheek-Kissing Unimportant Person (SUCKUP): Genius, sir. Not messing with our flagship brand, after all.
Persistently Likable Ambitious Neophyte Trainee (PLANT): But Diet Mountain Dew is selling well and still gaining market share. In fact, sales were up almost 8% last year. I think we should consider whether...
SICK: Excuse me, but that'll be enough now, thank you. We are a multi-national food and beverage conglomerate. We do not "consider," we "dictate."
PLANT: Sorry, sir.
SICK: Quite all right. You're new. But don't let it happen again.
SUCKUP: Well, clearly the critical thing is that we screw our most loyal customers. Who's with me?
SICK: Sounds good to me. The Mountain Dew suite of products is all about edgy, after all, and what could be more edgy than the same putrid yellow color coupled with a petro-chemicalicious new flavor?
SUCKUP: "Petro-chemicalicious." I like it. Genius once again, sir.
Wonk Endlessly Enunciating Needlessly Impenetrable Expressions (WEENIE): However this vision is ultimately implemented, I believe it is critical that we matrix all of our synergistic paradigms cross-departmentally to coerce this developing gestalt of e-collaboration to willfully abandon its embryonic state.
SICK: All righty. Clearly we should keep in mind, uh, that. What else?
PLANT: Shouldn't we consi...uh, I mean, look at, the possibility of deploying this new flavor side by side with the existing formula?
SICK: I've thought about that, and while it looks good at first blush, it's not consistent with our other plans. In addition to the reformulated Diet Mountain Dew, we also have Diet Mountain Dew with Rutabaga and Yak Curds slated to debut later this year, and they're almost finished with Super Hyper Turbo Juiced Pumped-Up Diet Mountain Dew Energy Quaff 3000 XXX with Toluene over at R&D. We're going to need the shelf space for these sure-fire sellers. So no, we can't sell both formulas of just regular old Diet Mountain Dew just to placate our numerous and loyal existing customers.
Marketer Often Reciting Oratory Nonsense (MORON): So what about a slogan for the new formula?
WEENIE: ...mappable goals, ambitious but attainable objectives, mission statements...zzzzzzzzzz
SICK: Well, it came from the Automotive Fluids Division...maybe they worked on this between tune-ups...
This is a work of satirical fiction.
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