Mar 202015

uabIn the wake of the University of Alabama at Birmingham’s (UAB’s) thrilling, bracket-busting victory over Iowa State in the second round of the 2015 tournament, UAB president Ray Watts announced the immediate elimination of the UAB basketball program.

“These young men have delivered an exciting victory for UAB, swelling the entire UAB family with joy. They have also shown a light of prominence on UAB’s excellence for the world to see,” Dr. Watts said in a statement. “This wave of positivity cannot and will not be tolerated.”

Dr. Watts’ statement and action were both met with widespread derision. However, Dr. Watts assured all detractors that he met with a bunch of smart people and consulted some charts, and this was the only decision that made sense.

 Posted by at 7:48 am
Jan 072015

Three masked men, armed with automatic weapons and wearing flak jackets, slaughtered at least 12 people at the office of a satirical magazine in Paris this morning before escaping into the city.

The publication, Charlie Hebdo, has published caricatures of Mohammed in the past. The gunmen reportedly shouted “Allahu Akbar!” throughout the attack, and claimed “We have avenged the honor of the prophet!” before speeding away.

In light of these events, there are two important takeaways for the people of the civilized world.

The first is that Islam is a religion of peace, and that this is a disgusting perversion of it. These men are violent because they are disturbed, not because of Islam. In fact, probably their religion isn’t even much of a factor and we probably shouldn’t talk about it at all anymore.

The second is that there is no need to worry about this sort of attack in a large American city like Washington, New York, or Chicago. You see, all of these cities have very strict gun control laws. It would not be legal for these men to even possess these guns, much less fire them at civilians on a city street in the middle of the day. So there is nothing to worry about.

Peace be upon them.

And you. Now, back to your Jon Stewart, or whoever your favorite smirking hipster jackass is. And hey, I’ll meet you in the morning at Starbucks, where we’ll stare into our $500 smartphones and drink our $8 coffees while we talk about how horrible the American capitalist system is.

Everything is fine.

 Posted by at 10:05 am
Jul 212014

Citing ongoing crises in the Middle East and Ukraine, as well as the continued fragility of the U.S. economy, President Obama today announced that he and his family would vacation for one week at Camp David next month, rather than more than two weeks at Martha’s Vineyard. “After much reflection, I have concluded that I’m […]

 Posted by at 7:21 am is using WP-Gravatar