Feb 242014

Monday, January 23, 2017, 8:04 am
First Cabinet meeting of President Bo Williams
White House gymnasium

pressealThank you for being here with me today.

Yes, the gymnasium is a bit of an odd location. I wanted to have this initial meeting on blankets on the White House lawn, but the weather has precluded that plan. Nevertheless, I believe we’ll be fine. With the folding chairs and the bagels and doughnuts arriving behind us, it’s a bit like a church social, isn’t it?

We are a larger group than can fit in any of the customary Cabinet meeting locations, because as you know, I’ve also invited the heads of all agencies under the control of the executive branch. I know this is an unusual request for an initial presidential staff meeting, and I appreciate you all accommodating it.

Know that I intend this to be an unusual presidency.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are all here, in one way or another, because many people have believed in us. Whether we have succeeded in political races, or on corporate boards, or in charitable organizations, or some combination, we have risen to this level because we have been trusted to act with integrity.

I want to trust each one of you to act with integrity in service of this greatest country in the world. Acting with integrity in the service of the United States is a profound responsibility, and one of the greatest earthly tasks any of us will ever undertake.

It is not, however, difficult to express what that means.

This is not my gymnasium. This is not my house. The White House belongs to all Americans. We are all blessed to sit in it today because enough of those Americans believe in us to lead. And despite numerous recent manifest abuses of the U.S. Constitution, most of us in this room can readily demonstrate constitutional sanction of the positions we hold.

You heard it in my campaign, and you’ll hear it from me again right now:  we are privileged to serve. The American people are our masters, not vice versa. Too many people, in too many of the positions we hold, have forgotten that recently.

This town has been too big for its britches for some time now. And I’m bringing humility and service back to it.

This is not a threat, but a promise:  You will help me in this pursuit, or you will go do something else outside my administration.

Everyone in this room is in charge of something. Everyone in this room has direct reports. Everyone in this room leads an organization.

By Friday noon, I want a mission statement from each of you, describing what your organization does. The mission statement is not to exceed 100 words. You may submit it in whatever format you like, but know that I must be able to read it on demand by Friday at 12:01 pm.

It would behoove you to consider what I’ve said about why we’re here when you compose these mission statements.

Failing to submit a 100-word mission statement by noon Friday is tendering your resignation, which this office accepts in advance.

I look forward to reading what you come up with. I look forward to standing with you, and you standing with me, as we regain the genuine trust of the American people.

Thank you.

 Posted by at 7:00 am
Nov 132013

The intelligent and aware need not fear the mobile sterilization squads in Bozekistan. If you are reading BoWilliams.com, it’s highly likely you are among this group.

Now it may be necessary to scrub a welfare-state fairy tale or two from a few of you. But after such, you will find Bozekistan a lovely and rewarding place to live, work, and play.

The list of offenses requiring sterilization shall be pretty clear. If you’ve got your perfectly operational vehicle at a dead stop in an uncongested merge lane, your baby-making days are likely finished. Zero tolerance on “your welcome.” You are done. Snip snip. Incremental Guy gets it too, thought I think enforcement on that one will have to be rather opportunistic. (Perhaps we shall encourage the people to spy and report on themselves, just in this one case. Heh.)

It occurred to me yesterday, though, that there is a class of offense that clearly indicates a damaged mind, but that might not quite rise to the level of immediate mandatory sterilization.

In Bozekistan, a first offense of placing an 8 upside down shall warrant a brief home visit and interview.
We have opportunities to put numbers on things. There are mailboxes, and signs in front of businesses, and boat registration numbers, and so forth. Consider that such opportunities tend to be deliberate and unstressful. You’re not going to be trying to do it at gunpoint, or in a hurricane. That being the case, managing to apply an 8 upside down is troubling indeed.

Do I just need to say it explicitly? Maybe I do, so search engines can find it:

When you apply the numeral 8 to a surface, the larger end is the bottom.

Now some 8s are indeed horizontally symmetrical. You can’t place one of those upside down. When there is a difference, though, it’s never so subtle that it could be missed by anyone paying even moderate attention.

Be ever diligent, citizenry. Thank you.

 Posted by at 9:26 am
Jan 182013

Time and again, we have seen heroic efforts in species conservation pay off.  The California condor continues to recover.  The bald eagle, our nation’s symbol, has thrived to the point of coming all the way back to a status of Least Concern.  There are once again thousands of gray wolves, in four distinct populations. It’s [...]

 Posted by at 3:32 pm

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