“Bad men may be epidemic, but part of how they got that way is that good women settled for them and they survived to breed.” – Bo Williams
I am old enough now to be the father of adult women. The very youngest adult women, to be sure, but adults nonetheless.
I consider it a blessing that so far, my taste for women has kept pace with my age. Very little turns my stomach as reliably as dirty old man behavior, whether it’s a father leering at his daughter’s friends or a rich old man whose second wife just happens to be 35 years his junior. (No, in fact I really don’t see a lot of difference.)
I don’t seem to have the wiring for that. As I type, I’m 43 years old. Absent blatantly prurient behavior on her part, if a woman is younger than 30 or so, I have trouble mustering any sort of sexual thought about her. South of 22 or so, it feels downright wrong.
I think some of that gets back to the brain being the most powerful sexual organ, with the idea that a more experienced one is going to be more appealing. But that’s a different post.
More germanely, particularly with the very youngest women, I think some of it is vaguely paternal. I have discovered that I am developing a genuine and special affinity for young women. I’m so pleased when I encounter them saying and doing good things—things that demonstrate that they’re aware of their own value—and I try to encourage it.
I love it because a healthy and well-adjusted young person is a beautiful sight, but I also love it for our future.
Longtime readers know that I really, really like people to stay married. Consider that young women are some of the most powerful people in the world when they decide who is good enough to be with, and (in many cases) have children with.
Now I know young men make the same choices, and I know there are bad women out there too. But I think women deal with social pressures that men either don’t deal with at all, or deal with in a much reduced version. And, though I acknowledge that this may be the observational bias of a straight man with particular sociopolitical leanings, it seems to me that good women marrying bad men occurs both more frequently and more severely than vice versa.
Bad men have little boys who are at dramatically increased risk of becoming more bad men. Would you agree?
So bluntly, the idea is to deny bad men the opportunity to have sexual intercourse with good women, and that means good women choosing well. Self-confident, well-adjusted young women are our very best weapons in this war. A young woman who has a valid understanding of what it means for a young man to deserve her is key to a promising future—hers and ours.
I’m going to introduce you to a special young woman tomorrow—a woman who is one of these women, but who is also interested in helping other young women find it inside themselves. Stay tuned.
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Bo, I get where you are going with this, I do, but I really can’t support the idea that there being “bad men” is somehow to be laid at the door of “good women”. It skirts too closely to the victim blaming that is prevalent in our society. Ie: “She was raped because she didn’t take the proper precautions” instead of “She was raped because her rapist raped her.” It centers the conversation on “Why do women date bad boys?” when it should be centered on “Why do we have so many bad boys?”.
I find this comment interesting:
“But I think women deal with social pressures that men either don’t deal with at all, or deal with in a much reduced version.”
I’m not sure which social pressures you are referring to (pressure to get married? to have kids? to be the Madonna and “reform” or mother these “bad men”?) but I suspect this line of thought would lead to a much more interesting and productive discussion. Why do women have these social pressures? How do these social pressures feed into the presence of so many “bad men”? How do we (as a society, men and women) change that?
I am also unclear on what, exactly, you are defining as “bad men”. Men who divorce their wives? Cheat? Drink? Do drugs? Are abusive? Have sex before marriage? Are promiscuous? Lewd?….
“Why do we have so many bad boys?” What is so ridiculous about supposing that a major contributor is that too many good women settle and reproduce with them, thereby making more bad boys?
I think too many of us are a tad too eager to be offended at the notion of anyone daring to suggest that there are fundamental differences in the ways men and women see the world (and are encouraged to see the world).
In my experience, if someone is beaten into accepting whatever s/he thinks she can get, it’s ten to one that person is a woman. I have seen, and known, men who leap at bad women because they don’t feel good about themselves and are desperate for anything resembling acceptance.
But wow, have I seen a whole bunch more women to whom such a description applies.
Mostly, I think “bad men” are chronically irresponsible men.
If you really do get where I’m going with this, let’s look for common ground.
I think it’s uncontroversial to say that helping and encouraging young women to make good choices is a good thing. It’s something I’m attuned to, and it’s rewarding when I see it go well. Coupled with my view that it’s a major factor in the numbers of bad men we have running around, and it’s easy to see why I’m excited about it.
You’re saying there are other factors. I agree. I question whether any positive action elsewhere would be as ultimately efficacious as what I describe, though.
The comparison to rape victims is, I think, a bridge too far.
“What is so ridiculous about supposing that a major contributor is that too many good women settle and reproduce with them, thereby making more bad boys?”
I don’t think it’s ridiculous. I just think the purpose is better served by shifting the focus a bit. As I said “It centers the conversation on ‘Why do women date bad boys?’ when it should be centered on ‘Why do we have so many bad boys?’.” (I’m not saying being irresponsible is tantamount to rape, I’m just pointing out the similar logic structure.)
I have a strong history in my family of women dating, marrying procreating with men who are violent, alcoholic, impulsive, angry, and a host of other poor attributes. I get why we want to encourage women away from these men. I also understand why they turn that way (marriage to escape from a violent home environment, codependency, lack of other role models, societal expectations, etc.)
“there are fundamental differences in the ways men and women see the world (and are encouraged to see the world).”
I would argue that the difference is indeed in how they are encouraged to see the world, but yes, there are observable gender based biases.
“I question whether any positive action elsewhere would be as ultimately efficacious as what I describe, though.”
Perhaps. I find that an incredibly dreary outlook though. Both because it burdens women with men’s bad behavior (you are responsible because you didn’t STOP him…) and because it relieves other men of intervening. (“Dude, that is so not okay.” from a friend can be much more effective than “you aren’t getting laid if you do that”. from a girlfriend.)
Common ground: the world needs more men to be responsible, to be partners, to be adults. 🙂
“I question whether any positive action elsewhere would be as ultimately efficacious as what I describe, though.”
“Perhaps. I find that an incredibly dreary outlook though. Both because it burdens women with men’s bad behavior (you are responsible because you didn’t STOP him…)”
Oh, come on. You’re jumping about three steps ahead of where I’m talking about trying to influence the equation. She never has to “STOP him” because she never agreed to terms in which something she would need to stop would exist.
I almost think that you don’t think women have a major role in solving this problem.
Bo, I think stopping does come in though. If women simply opt out of dating jerks, and by your own estimate, there are many more male jerks than female jerks and females already have the lead in the general population…then you either have a group of non-jerky females who never partner or you have a group of non-jerky females who are trying to change the behavior of the person they would like to be dating.
I don’t think that women have the primary role in solving this problem, no. I think that whenever you wish to see change in a person or group that until they are ready to change it won’t happen. And trust me “pressure from women” is not sufficient to make them willing to change. Can women protect themselves by opting out of dating these dudes? Definitely. Can women change men by opting out of dating these turkeys? Nope.
“I don’t think that women have the primary role in solving this problem, no.”
Please explain to me why that is not the exact opposite of empowering women.