Nathan was about to pop to spend some of his saved cash today, so I took him to Toys R Us this afternoon so he could buy a Wii game he wanted. This morning, I took both boys to the grocery store with me.
I think recovery of these outings as times to enjoy with my sons are one of my favorite things about quitting smoking. Used to be, on some level taking a child somewhere was something to endure, so I could get back and be by myself again so I could smoke. Both boys to the grocery store? Forget it. Wait until Lea can be with them, so I can smoke going and coming. That’s how it was.
That’s how it will be again, immediately, if I ever pick them back up. It takes over your whole damned life.
I’m building confidence in my use of the past tense. I’ve been a 100% compliant non-smoker since December 17, and totally without nicotine since December 23. I don’t think I’ve yet had a whole day go by that I didn’t think about smoking at all, but I’ll frequently get to the afternoon before I do.
Wow, could I ever have smoked a bunch this week. Things aren’t going badly, but they’re quite busy, and I thought wistfully more than once about firing up a Marlboro Light. (My morning commute contains several trigger moments.)
I resisted. I’m knocking on six months abstinent here, and also knocking on 40 years old, and sheez, I’d like to start laughing at all of the self-flagellation I’ve done on my blog in the name of smoking rather than continue to be horrified by it.