Well, I had a smartass bitchfest about the Trail of Tears Motorcycle Ride all written and ready to go, but it sounded whiny and pathetic when I read back through it, so I deleted it. The ride is a positive event in multiple ways, and whatever inconveniences I suffer as a result of it are minor and infrequent. God bless the riders and their cause.
So, um…let’s see. I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what it means to marry well—spurred partially by a conversation I had with Charles last week, and partially by developments in friends’ lives. I try very hard not to take my marriage for granted, and I try to mention that whenever it’s called for, but particularly when I’m up on plane bitching about infidelity. I know I married well. I give thanks for it every day.
What does it mean to marry well? There are some obvious things, like making sure you have similar values and goals. To me, one thing that too many people shirk is self-reliance. I think you want to be with someone who is already fine by himself/herself. In my opinion, when you first start getting serious with someone, the parts of each of you given to the other should not be true necessities.
If you really are completing your significant other, then run. You haven’t the energy to prop that person up forever. Believe it.
To be sure, I think things change in a healthy marriage in that you do grow into one unit. It’s just the nature of things that for many challenges you’re stronger as a couple, and when you can reasonably assume that you’ll be together, it pays substantial dividends to surrender to that oneness.
Does it mean you lose your identity? Of course not, and this is where that “fine by himself/herself” comes in again as well. When you feel good about who you are, you’ll be sufficiently emboldened to preserve a sense of self, as well as avoid feeling threatened by your spouse doing the same thing.
Though it’s unpleasant to consider, there is also the fact that you probably won’t die together. Recovery from the death of a spouse is hard. But don’t you prefer the odds of someone who initially didn’t need you to feel like a person?
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I am also someone who married well and, like you, I tend not to talk about it too much (because people either think I’m lying to them or kidding myself – no one can be THAT happy, right?). I shudder, though, to think of having to recover from Mr. Chili’s loss. Could I do it? Certainly, but I’d never, ever be the same again. We HAVE grown into a unit, and I’ll be hard pressed to find my balance again after he’s gone. Here’s hoping that it’s many decades before I have to do that…
Just my observation, but…
Lea married well, too.
Hugs
Suzie: Very sweet. Thank you. The admiration is mutual. (Hugs backatcha)