Spied in the sidebar at Overheard in Minneapolis (which you should read, because it’s funny):
I ask you: is there a funnier thing with which to bludgeon your fellow man than a box of Moon Pies? How about:
A homeless man was arrested on a battery charge in Galesburg, IL for allegedly attacking an 84-year-old man with a three-foot salami.
Hmmm. This is badly written, though, isn’t it? Who has the three-foot salami? Can’t you read the victim as “an 84-year-old man with a three-foot salami”? Perhaps this is a case of three-foot salami envy, and the 84-year-old man is being attacked for his three-foot salami. Actually the original suffers from the same problem. Gotta love those misplaced modifiers. Writing leads is hard.
I bet it would be a lot easier to hurt someone with a three-foot salami than it would be to hurt someone with a box of Moon Pies. Well, unless it was a box of, like, 5,000 Moon Pies. I don’t know, though. What if the three-foot salami has a diameter of ten feet?
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You just like talking about a three foot salami…
There’s a salami in one of the Outlander books. I don’t remember which, but it was lengthy and wielded as a weapon.
I suppose, when one has malice in one’s heart, one uses whatever tools are to hand.
I think it was The Drums of Autumn, or one of the later books, Seester. I remember the “lunch meat as weapon” bit, and thought it a bit of a stretch, even for me….
Galesburg is a fairly short drive from Peoria, so the story caught my eye. I wonder if more harm is done to the system by being struck by a box (which I take to mean a cardboard carton) of Moon Pies or by eating them. I haven’t eaten one in many years, and was not sure they actually still existed.
Galesburg lost some significant business in recent years (appliances, maybe?), and economically has struggled. My brother took me to an open mike there once. I played.