FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Institute of Devoutly Interpreting Old Testament Scriptures — Further cementing her already solid position as a shameless and unapologetic instrument of Lucifer, J.K. Rowling confirmed Friday night that Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts in the iconic Harry Potter series of books, is a fucking faggot.
“It’s already in ample evidence that this vile Jezebel Rowling has made herself a multimillionaire by teaching our innocent lambs to call Satan and have him move through them in desecratory, disgusting rituals,” said Zebediah Righteous, president of IDIOTS. “But by revealing that Dumbledore—a so-called “person” in a position of authority over children—is a damned pillow-biting ass-slammer, that stupid, ignorant bitch is way beyond the pale.”
“She’s welcome to come to church with me, though. We hate the sinner, not the sin. Uh, I mean…ah, hell, you know what I mean.”
The foul, malevolent witch Rowling could not be reached for comment.
This post does not describe actual events (apart from the linked news story), but some days it sure feels like it might as well.