Jun 262007

Yeah, that’s kind of an icky post. It was uncomfortable writing, and I’m sure it’s uncomfortable reading.

All day I’ve debated taking it down. I’m leaning toward letting it roll. But at the very least it should have a content note at the top, which I’ve added. I apologize for not including one originally.

A Clarification or Two
People cheat for reasons that are often complex. Frequently, quite valid emotions put a person in that situation. Cheating is just such a destructive response. A marriage is generally something that both parties highly valued at one time, else it wouldn’t be a marriage, correct? I like the prospects of “something to save” before infidelity occurs much more than I do after the fact.

I don’t mean to suggest that it’s easy for a man to walk away from cheating, if only he’ll take care of things himself. But it may buy him time to work up the nerve to do what he should do, which is talk to his wife, a counselor, or both about how he got there emotionally in the first place. (And it may be enough to vanquish a strictly shallow temptation entirely.)

What the Hell Do I Know About It, Anyway?
Conceded. Not much at all, except from observing third parties. I’m sure that gives me a bit of a preachy vibe, given that I apparently think I can credibly hold court on it. I’ll own that.

Said observations are always sad, even when the couple keeps it together. It’s enough to give me the strong view that people should try very hard not to cross that line. Recovery, even when possible, is long and difficult.

My Pastor Says Masturbation Is Itself Cheating…
(eyes glaze over)

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 Posted by at 3:59 pm

  4 Responses to “Fidelity followup”

  1. I was reading High Fidelity this week, so when I saw the title of the other post, I thought “Nick Hornby” – I am weird like that.

    I’ve known both men and women who’ve cheated. The sad part is, if you are feeling that way, you need to talk about it. Otherwise, you could leave your partner with an incurable life-altering disease in addition to the emotional wreckage. My best friend from high school is saddled with HPV, and a risk of cancer, due to her then husband “not being sure he was ready to be a daddy” – she was pregnant.

  2. Well of course I’ve been naive all my life, but I remember back in the 80’s when I had been married for about 6 months, I was at a group luncheon (about 20 tech writer types) and boldly said, “Oh, I don’t believe that one in four relationships suffers from infidelity (a statistic that had recently found a lot of press time). If that were true, 5 people here would be having an affair right now.” Followed no doubt by “Please pass the pepper.” The silence was deafening. I think I grew a little less naive that day, though no less idealistic. So it goes…

  3. I agree… before you ACT on anything, then talk about it. As painful as it might be, I’d rather know that there was a problem (even an unsovable one)then to be replaced before I got a crack at fixing it. I said as much once to a friend in a discussion about a mutual co-worker who was having an affair. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that friend was also having an affair… oops! It wouldn’t have changed my opinion but I probably would have delivered it more tactfully!

  4. Man,

    Perhaps this comment belongs with the original post as the quote I am referencing is there…

    “Men are pigs.” Sorry dude, we’ve discussed this – “Men are male humans.”

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